Wednesday, December 10, 2008

A Stream of M&M Consciousness

I've got the M&M's out and Frank Sinatra crooning in the background. For some reason I'm just really in a Frank Sinatra mood. Ahhh...old blue eyes, he really does the trick.

**eyeing an M&M suspiciously...could be icky***

I went to visit my aunt in the hospital this evening after I got off of work. Something has been gnawing at me for the past few days; something my cousin said to me. She stopped by the house to drop off something...or pick up something. Anyway, it was just a casual comment, but after she left I found myself sitting there on the couch in a stupor of thought.

**ohh, that was a bad one...yuck!**

It was one of those moments when you have a thought or an idea perched just on the tip of your brain, but for some reason you can't really get it to take a solid form. It took a few days for me to sort it through. When I went to work today, it was the same routine except for the fact that I purposely left the radio off in the car. I just didn't feel like having excess noise in my head. Without the radio, and my usual don't-talk-to-me-in-the-morning mood, the silence allowed me ample opportunity to slide my thoughts left, right, up, down, pick it up and move it in the corner to make room for other thoughts.

Now, that I think about it, I'm sure my cousin must have been a bit confused as to why I hadn't turned the radio on. I think he's somewhat use to the one sided conversation he has on our drive out, but without the radio to fill the silence it probably made it a bit more weird.

When my aunt first went into the hospital, she was diagnosed with pneumonia and she needed to be treated for her asthma and a nagging cough she couldn't get rid of. I took her to the emergency room and stayed with her all day when they finally admitted her. I stopped by to visit with her several times after work each day. They moved her from one floor to another and she had a host of doctors all trying to diagnose her condition. The pneumonia they covered, the asthma was treatable, but the cough just had them stumped. Then the doctors were saying that they suspected she may have a tumor in her lung. But, at that point, it was all just speculation and also the worst case scenario. No one was saying anything definitively, it was just something on a list of things to rule out.

**orange, red, yellow, brown, blue, green, hmm...I thought there were more colors**

The worst case scenario turned out to be cancer on her lung, but they caught it early and chemotherapy should put things right again. Okay. Then, I missed a visit and went home right after work...too much paper work, gotta prepare for the next day's work load. Everyone's busy, rush, rush, rush...another day ends, another missed was a long day, even more paper work and the next day's work load is going to be crazy. The weekend comes and goes. No visit, no reason.

**I'm running low on M&M's**

When my cousin stopped by the house I told her, as she was leaving, to say hello to our aunt. As she was walking out the door, she said "Why don't you call her? I'm sure she'd love to hear from you." I paused. Even as I paused, I couldn't believe that I had paused. I mean, really? What was that all about?

**eww...that one was really bad. Yucky, yuck, yuck**

My aunt's husband told me that they were still running more tests on her. They were going to send a scope down her throat to determine if the cancer started in her lung and if it had spread, or if it had started somewhere in her stomach or pancreas and spread to her lung. Everyone is being very positive and very optimistic. Did I mention that? That everyone is being very positive and optimistic? Positive and optimistic. Positive. Optimistic.

**the M&M's aren't working...and I have eight left**

"So, they said it's cancer." She said it so matter-of-fact as if the diagnosis was harmless as the common cold. She started her first chemotherapy this evening...I was there. I'm glad I was there. I smiled at the nurse as she happily came in to explain the process. She was positive and optimistic. I smiled at my aunt, and laughed, and talked about work and all the mundane things that will show I am also positive and optimistic. Her doctor said the cancer started from her pancreas and spread to her lung. My aunt is positive and optimistic. She told her doctor she refuses to accept anything less than a full recovery. They will keep her in the hospital for three treatments of chemo to monitor her response and then she will be able to come home as an outpatient.

**I have two M&M's left...I'll name one Positive and the other Optimistic and I'll eat them**

Just so you don't think I was totally off point, I figured out why I paused...and why I stopped going to the hospital. You don't need to know why, just that I figured it out. Funny how things work out like that, huh?

**It's a good thing I'm done cause I'm out of M&M's...thanks for the smooth vocals Frank!**


Ipo said...

Thanks for sharing your fear and heartache. I wish we could get together and grab a Costco-sized bag of M&M's and know....just eat them. I cry some tears for you. I'm not going to go on about faith and hope, you know all about that already. I'm going to ask you to keep eating those m&m's only if they are named "positive" and "optimistic." But like I said before, you're gonna be eating a lot of those really yucky ones as well. A Lot. Name all your red m&m's "love from ipo" and eat a billion of them.

twelvekindsofcrazy said...

I will be naming my beers next time I am on furlough.