Sisters

Growing up people would always think we were twins. LOL. We never saw it. We'd always roll our eyes whenever people would ask "are you twins?" And our response as always would be, "No, mom just likes to dress us alike."

We were different in so many ways. She was athletic (volleyball and softball), graceful (hula), helpful in the kitchen (she helped mom cook dinner), watchful over my younger brother and I (very maternal).  It wasn't difficult to be impressed and envious of her many talents. While I, on the other hand, was tall, gawky, awkward, and extremely clumsy. LOL. 

But Lorrie would always tell anyone and everyone how "smart and pretty" her sister was. I didn't believe her.  I also wasn't sure if she actually believed it, or if that was just something she liked to say to people.  We never fought or argued.  Mainly, because I never wanted to test her.  Perhaps I knew instinctively that she could whoop my ass!  Why test that theory?  

Lorrie had such natural loving abilities. I knew she'd be a great mom.  Children flocked to her, and she loved them all.  That was not the case with me.  Children always gave me a wide berth . . . and I was grateful for that.  I was not cut out to be a mother -- to anyone!  When she gave birth to Travis I learned to love children.  Well, specifically, I learned to love her children.  Travis, Trysten, and Trayse.  She gave her children such love . . . and through them, I learned more about love than I knew possible.  

As adults, things changed between us.  I wanted to stand under my own shadow and not hers.  I became more assertive in my life and less willing to accept other people's opinions about me.  I felt that my life had been stunted and controlled for too long, and I made it a point to hand out firm NO's whenever the occasion warranted it.  Looking back on things, that might not have been the right way to handle some of those situations.  But hindsight being what it is . . . what can you do but live and learn?

I learned a lot of huge lessons from my sister.  I learned how wonderfully she loved her children.  I learned that sometimes you just need patience.  I learned that being available to others really counts.  I learned she really did think I was smart and pretty.  I learned that I don't know everything.  I learned that grudges are only one-sided.  I learned that sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut and not say anything.  

I'm really going to miss her.  I'm grateful we were sisters!

And so it begins . . .

Got off of work early in the morning and walked out to this -- SNOW!  It was reported to expect snow sometime after midnight, and they were right.  But somehow I thought I still had a few weeks before the snow came.  I still need to get the oil changed, get the tires checked, and make sure all the fluids in the car are up to par.  Man!  Now I'm scrambling.

And so with the onslaught of snow, I did the only thing I could do.  I went to bed.  And then I woke up to All Of This!

Change in Seasons

It is going on three years that I have had ample opportunity to benefit from the green thumb of my neighbor.  She drags out her pots, soil, and seeds.  And with every passing day, slowly but surely something beautiful and wonderful appears.  This has been a pretty good year.

 Part of the reason, this has been a good year is because I had my niece, Trayse, spend her senior year with me.  It was possibly the best of times for me.  Having her with me gave such meaning and depth into my life.  With her, I had a niece, a friend, and a companion.  I loved having her with me.  I learned a lot about myself, and I learned even more about how much I love her.  When she was a baby, she didn't like me very much.  If I tried to hold her or sit next to her, she would cry, and cry, and then cry even harder.  It got to the point where I couldn't even look at her or even be around her or else she would burst out crying.  Complex, anyone?

But since those humbling beginnings, Trayse has become such a light in my life.  I love her mind, and her humor, her faith, and her love of her family. She is such an inspiration to me.  From her I have learned to express my love to others, and to feel comfortable having love expressed to me.  She is such a blessing in my life.  I'm so glad that we had those moments together.

Self-Mastery and Temptation

In a talk given by Russell M Nelson, he stated that a "pivotal spiritual attribute" is Self-Mastery.  Self-mastery, he said helps an individual build a strong conscience, and helps you "determine moral responses in difficult, tempting, and trying situations."  I never thought of self-mastery in that  way.  A strong conscience.  But what does it mean to have a strong conscience?

I looked up the definition of the word conscience and it is "an inner feeling or voice acting as a guide to the rightness or wrongness of one's behavior."  What Elder Nelson wants us to know and understand is that Heavenly Father implanted strong appetites within us that we must learn to control within the bounds of God's law.  I personally, had never heard of self-mastery used in this way before.  But it makes sense, right?  I mean, on a much higher level of thinking it just makes sense.  We all have the need to nourish ourselves, to find love, to gain intelligence, to find our purpose.  Seeking out the reasons for these ideals is inherently ingrained in all of us.  The need to know why we do the things we do -- some in excess, and others not at all.

As we apply these ideals, as Elder Nelson suggests within the bounds of God's law we will enjoy longer life, greater love, and consummate joy.  All are blessings predicated upon obedience to God's law.  God has established a plan whereby we (His children) will benefit from all that is available.  His plan also includes the will to chose.

According to Elder Nelson's talk, temptation, "comes from the misuse of God-given appetite."  When we give into the appetites, we become slaves to the very thing that we strive to master.  The Lord acknowledges that no one can manage self-mastery perfectly.  If we learn from our mistakes and truly repent, we allow the true meaning of the atonement to become apart of our lives.

And I Had Faith...

In Enos 1:15 the Lord says to Enos, "whatsoever thing ye shall ask in faith, believing that ye shall receive in the name of Christ, ye shall receive it."  And in response Enos says in verse 16 "And I had faith."  So he preceded to put his request to the Lord.

That simple sentence "And I had faith" really got me thinking.  What quality of faith will allow a person to be able to put his request to the Lord?  Would faith the size of a grain of mustard seed be sufficient?  Or is the mustard seed merely the beginning stage of growth before one can claim to have an Enos-sized faith?  I wonder what my growth level or potential is at the moment?

Elder Robert D. Hale said in his Oct. 2004 conference talk, that Enos qualified himself to receive his answer because he hungered and thirsted "after righteousness."

There's something that I want, but I'm not sure if I really want it.  But I know that the Lord wants it for me.  It makes me feel like Jonah.  Told to do one thing, but chooses to do another until he finds himself in the belly of a whale.  I think Jonah gets a bad rap because of the whole whale thing, but he was a good prophet, he just got scared.  Who wouldn't have been afraid to face the Assyrians?  They were known to torture their enemies and captives.

I don't want to wait for a whale.  I would like to say with all confidence like Enos, "I have faith."  And then proceed to put my request to the Lord.  **sigh**  I'm thinking there might be a whale in my future.  **whispers softly** I have faith.

A Little at a Time

 I had only known the bible growing up.  I went to Catholic school, where religion class was a main staple.  So, I was fairly well versed in the Old and New Testament.  About the time, I hit the sixth grade I lost a friend to a car accident.  I recall sitting in church listening to all the fine words that were spoken, but not understanding how my friend was no longer among us.  Death had taken him, and now his life was over.  Ended.  But how could it just be the end, that there was nothing left of him but memories.  How could the God that I been taught to love and fear no longer make any sense?  How could that be right?

Sitting in the pew, with my classmates, the sound of sad tears and broken hearts echoing loudly in the quiet of the church.  Slowly, each row filed past his casket to receive communion and say farewell.  A sudden sense of dread came over me.  I watched with trepidation as row after row pressed forward.  Soon it would be our turn.  I could not pass his coffin and say good-bye.  I could not even get my feet under me.  What would I be saying good-bye to?  Where would he be going that I could wish him farewell?  A huge gnawing began to grow in my stomach.  Tears began to flow, as silent prayers were offered.  The answer that came brought such a calm into my heart.  I knew it would be alright, that God would take care of my friend.  I didn't need to worry, were the whispers to my mind.  I didn't understand what was happening.  But, I knew I wouldn't have to worry.

Years later, as an adult taking lessons from the missionaries, I came upon a scripture that completely floored me.  It is found in Alma 11: 42-45 where Amulek teaches Zeezrom about death and immortality.  I was dumbstruck!  This scripture spoke to all the questions I had at the age of twelve, and dreading to say good-bye to a friend.  How could it be possible that someone had written the answers to my questions?  2 Nephi 29:10 says "Wherefore, because that ye have a Bible ye need not suppose that it contains all my words..."

I didn't need to worry, were the words that He whispered to me.

 "For behold, I shall speak unto the Jews and they shall write it, and I shall also speak unto the Nephites and they shall write it; and I shall also speak unto the other tribes of the house of Israel, which I have led away, and they shall write it; and I shall also speak unto all nations of the earth and they shall write it (2 Nephi 29:12).

He Knows Me

He knows me.  I believe that.  I believe that I lived before I was born.  I lived a life full of knowledge, and faith.  A life wherein I walked with the Spirit of power, confidence, and joy.  A life where I dwelt in the presence of my Father in Heaven, and I had conversations with my elder brother, and chosen Savior.

In the scriptures, we read of how God knew Joseph (Smith) more than 3,000 years before he was born, and that Joseph would "bring forth the Book of Mormon to the confounding of false doctrine."  B.J. Rowe also goes on to say, in his talk the Omniscience of God, that "God knew the minute details of the life of the prophet Joseph Smith."

There is nothing written of me in the scriptures.  I have no ancient prophetic source that reveals to the world what my purpose is on this earth.  And yet, I still believe that He knows me.  There have been moments when I have felt such a pressure in the very depths of my heart, as though it were being encompassed all around, and I had no idea why or what it meant.  I recall as a young girl, when I lost a dear friend, and could not fathom how a loving God did not have a better plan in place other than purgatory or limbo.  How my young heart, broke that sad, sad day.  And in the most dire of moments, when my heart and my mind felt such sorrow and hopelessness, I was overcome by the most enveloping sensation of light that touched the top of my head, and radiated through my body to the very tips of my toes.

That moment was an answer to a prayer.  A desperate prayer filled with countless, "please God, please, please, please, please God."  Those were the only words that could be spoken.  I didn't know what to ask or why I was asking, but He had heard the pleas of my heart, and answered me.

He knows me.  I believe that.  I believe that I lived before I was born.  I want, now to live a life full of knowledge and faith.  Faith in God.  Faith that I will again walk with the Spirit of power, confidence, and joy.  A life where I will again dwell in the presence of my Father in Heaven, and have conversations with my elder brother, and chose Savior.

In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.